All marriages and couples have conflict. It is inevitable when two people from different life experiences and family backgrounds come together as intimates. Conflict isn’t necessarily bad. It’s the degree and way it is expressed that determines the vulnerability of a relationship. Some couples find themselves struggling to change and even coerce their partner into their way of doing things. As each tries to coerce the other, a power struggle ensues. Of course, nobody wins. Most often, each partner persists in their effort despite frustration. At some point one or both may give up in silent withdrawal with energy and vigor lost in the process. Some couples may already be in a conspiracy of silence fearing a heated discussion as a threat. These couples are often surprised when a life challenge or exposed secret upsets the peace. Like the conflicted couple in a stalemate, zest or energy for intimacy goes down the drain.
Having a relationship problem with an intimate doesn’t mean that there is a “childhood wound” that needs to be healed. Relationship problems are the result of the vulnerabilities everyone brings to a relationship. Everyone has them. When we meet the person we fall in love with we look to someone to complement or make up for our own vulnerability. These vulnerabilities are the underdeveloped parts to our self. Attaching to our partner is a magical way of completing our self. That’s the nature of love. As time unfolds, we learn that our partner’s desirable characteristic has a “down side” to it. Unhappy at this discovery, we work toward trying to change that part in him or her. The conflict ensues.
Dr. Luz focuses on helping couples manage their conflict in ways that serve to promote the relationship. The goal is to assist each partner to become acquainted with their own vulnerability, be able to talk about it in constructive ways and become more effective problem solvers. The process is focused on changing behavior by fostering a better understanding of self and partner.
Dr. Luz has a long professional history helping couples. He was involved in a pioneering study of marital therapy a the Lafayette in the early 1980’s. He is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist in Michigan and is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Luz is Past President of the Michigan Division of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.